i know exactly when my relationship with guilt changed. it was the second i realized i was pregnant.
when you're really young, guilt is something you rarely feel. if you have your head on straight, once you get older, you may feel it from time to time...like when i made my friend do my homework for me...or when i completely plagiarized an entire book report on george washington...or when i took more than my fair share of the "take one please" candy left on door steps at halloween.
i became entwined with guilt so deeply when i knew i was growing a tiny person inside of me. that i would be responsible for him...for life.
mother guilt swept in and attacked wherever it could. i felt guilty for taking a shower. clearly my baby needed me in the 5 minutes it took me to run some shampoo through my hair. i felt guilty when i wished he would just be QUIET. i'm a bad mother for wanting to pull my hair out because i haven't slept for more than 15 minutes in two weeks.
feel guilty for going back to work. feel guilty for dropping him off at daycare. feel guilty for using that exersaucer a little too much - it was such a great containment device after all.
my relationship with guilt got very serious. it took me years to realize that time away from my baby was good for both of us. that letting someone help out doesn't mean i'm a "bad mom". wanting to be left alone doesn't mean i hate my child.
the guilt has changed over time, but it hasn't really gone away. i feel guilty that i didn't make more of myself (seriously...what was i thinking majoring in sociology?)...wish i was older, wish i had my life settled first before a child was thrown into the mix (but the white picket fence fairy tale sounded so achievable!), wish that i could stay at home more, especially when he gets upset when i can't go on the field trip (clearly going to work is more fun than going to a farm and petting bunnies...yeah right.) the list goes on and on. as soon as i can "let go" of the guilt over one thing, another lovely item gets added to the list.
i hope he understands that every thing i do is for him. that although sometimes i'd rather shut my hand in a car door than play legos, i love him and always will put his needs before mine. i hope he understands that i desperately want a day at the spa, a night out with the girls, a weekend away...but that doesn't mean that he isn't number one in my life.
maybe guilt keeps us striving to be better. maybe guilt is supposed to keep our children safe...keep us from shifting our priorities too much. i still struggle at the balancing act. when i see his cute face pop up like a prairie dog in the window of the child care room at the gym (after he's spent all day at kindergarten, and then 2 hours in aftercare) i feel badly that i'm not in there playing with him. that i'm "indulging" myself with a 30 minute, jogger stroller free run.
i've learned over the last 5.5 years that sometimes it's okay to put myself first. i should probably do it more often. a good mother is a happy mother.
i'm hoping that someday he'll say that i was good enough, and if i'm really lucky, he'll say i was great :)
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