Why won't time slow down?

It seems like yesterday that I was scanning the internet for "how to make homemade baby wipes" or "how to lose weight while breastfeeding"...now I'm staying up until 11:30 p.m. searching for kids lunch box ideas, wondering whether my son really needs a backpack with wheels, or is that setting him up to be a super dork.

I don't know if I'm going to cry when I see his little face in the small square of glass on the big school yellow school bus. Letting go is so hard. I'm letting go of the little baby who depended on me for survival. The little body that I used to hold tightly against my chest while dancing to slow songs in the kitchen.

So many thoughts - so nervous and anxious - for both of us. I should be celebrating - I've survived almost 6 years. Through a bad relationship, through buying a home and then having to move out of it - through buying a puppy and then giving it away - through diaper bags and spit up, and tantrums and teething - I've survived. We've survived.

But we've only just begun...

It won't always be like this...

I must learn to enjoy each and every moment. It won't always be like this. I won't always have a little boy who holds my hand without so much as thinking about it. I won't always have to buckle him in and wipe his face, fix his shoes and check his teeth. He won't always want to share what happened in his day. He won't always eat dinner with me. Just the two of us, on my little green table that used to be red until I hit the spray paint to it. Him on the end, me near the fridge so I can easily refill his milk.

There will be a time when he's too busy, or too cool to be with me. He won't hug without a struggle. He won't want to kiss me three times and shout "I Love You" in front of all of his friends. Someday I'll be pushed away. So right now I have to learn to enjoy each and every moment.

My elderly neighbor is visited weekly by his two daughters. One takes him out to eat and the other dotes on him like a mother. It seems to sometimes bother him that they are so worried about him - how they seem to treat him like a frail old man, instead of the strong father he once was. They are making sure he has taken a shower and washed his clothes. He is the one returning with leftovers and clean laundry from them. They ask him to flash the light so they know they can drive away. I'm sure he used to ask them to do the same.

Life changes and people grow, people age and roles reverse. So for now, while I can - I'll be the Mom..I'll be the one making the rules, enforcing bedtimes and reading the books. Someday I'll be an old lady and my son will take care of me. I can't imagine such a thing, but I do know that I'll be in good hands...and that he's definately paying for dinner.

Humor brings me back everytime

I was in a rainy period. Missing my loved ones, wondering what life has in store for me, wondering what I had in store for me...drip drip drip outside my window.

Then I went to the library and got "Bad Mother" by Ayelet Waldman...I can't put this book down. It is hilarious, and sad and sweet and I read until midnight last night - laughing out loud and feeling like someone finally said how I feel. It's a book about motherhood - all of its poop stained glory, all of its wonder, all of its pain, and all of its rewards. How can something we love so much, cause us so much guilt?

Ayelet was villified for saying (out loud and in print) that she loved her husband more than her kids. This is shocking. This is upsetting. I don't know what that would be like because I have never had a husband. Mothers roared and verbally tore her to pieces. While I'm not sure I would love a husband more than my son, I have learned after reading half of this book that she's not a monster - she's a truth speaker. It's her truth. Not mine, but hers.

I was feeling like a failure. My apartment is in constant disarray - my son was heard saying "Jesus Christ" at the top of his lungs at a theme park, my fish tank is green and my son's dentist is worried that he may get a cavity - HORROR. This book brought me back. Things are good, great even. I'm doing a good job. What does that even mean? It means the best that I can. That will have to be enough.

To quote: "There are times as a parent when you realize that your job is not to be the parent you always imagined you'd be, the parent you always wished you had. Your job is to be the parent your child needs, given the particulars of his or her own life and nature. It's hard to separate your remembered childhood and its emotional legacy from the childhoods that are being lived out in your house, by your children. If you're lucky your kids will help you make that distinction. They'll look at you stricken, and beg you not to harangue the coach, not to harass the mother of th eboy who didn't invite them to the birthday party, not to intervene to resciend the lousy trade of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards they made. You want to protect them, but sometimes what you have to protect them from is the ongoing avalanche of your own childhood - crashing down on them like a hail of dodgeballs."

And finally - a humorous take on what a "Good Mother" is - what I have been trying to be, and after reading it, I realize how silly it is:

"The Good Mother remembers to serve fruit at breakfast, is always cheerful and never yells, manages not to project her own neoroses and in adequacies onto her children, is an active and beloved community volunteer; she remembers to make playdates, her children's clothes fit, she does art projects with them and enjoys all their games. And she is never too tired for [you know...adult activities]". (sorry to gross you out Nate).

And the clouds came rolling in...

The honeymoon phase is over. My blog urge has faded...nothing to write about.

Isn't it funny how one week it's "my cup run-eth over" (or however you spell it) and the next it's "oh bother"....nothing new.

I guess I just can't force it - when I want to write about something it will just happen.

Just like in nature, rain storms have to come. Without rain storms there is no growth.

And that's just where I am right now.

Let's hope the thunder and lightening hold off and all we get is this light drizzle :)