Letting go...holding on...

there is strength in weakness - when your back hurts, your mind is heavy with thoughts and stress and worry, your rooms are messy, your floor is dirty, your to do list resembles a novel....you are strong.

you are strong for not giving up. for smiling through doubt. for laughing through fear.

i've begun to realize that even when i'm at my most vulnerable, i am full of strength. the biggest battle we fight is that against ourselves. good enough, smart enough, successful enough, happy enough, enough enough enough.

leaping out, into the dark, into the unknown and into the fear is a sign of strength. you are strong enough to let go.

my life is in flux. my past has shaped my present and my future is unknown. can i let go? can i let the past go? can i hold on to it and still embrace the future?

no.

i have to let go. let go of the worry, let go of the fear, let go of the stress. i will stay in the hamster wheel as long as i keep walking. the faster i walk the faster it spins...i go no where.

stop. step off. step out.

my worrying mind tells me that my son is growing older. have i done a good job? will he understand what i've gone through? will he wish things were different?

i don't know. i never will.

what i do know is that the amount of time he spends with me is not relative to the amount of love we share. his happiness and his life is not exclusively mine. my happiness and my life is not exclusively his.

we meet in the middle. the sweet middle. i must let go a little bit. let him fly. to his father, to his friends, to his future.

letting go of everything means i'm holding on.

yoga made me cry tonight. lying there beside strangers in a 98 degree room i cried during the final pose. i'd put myself through 90 minutes of rigorous exercise. sweat out every last drop i had to give.

i let myself go and admitted to myself that sharing my son with his father is hard. being the bigger person is hard. telling the truth when you feel as though it will get you no where is hard. i'm scared. i'm nervous. i'm stressed.

but i'll be okay. the best part about crying in power yoga is that no one can see your tears. my sweat and tears...of my workout, of my life blended together and fell away.


in my most vulnerable, i was strong.
i let go in order to hold on.